ALIEN & Predator ONE SHOTS
by Anguirus1955
Summary: A collection of various one shots and short stories from the ALIEN and Predator Film universes. These may eventually crossover with other franchises, but the vast majority will take place strictly within these two universes.
1. A-001: Turning The Tables

**ALIEN ONE-SHOTS**

Disclaimer: The ALIEN franchise and all related characters wherein are the intellectual property of 20th Century Fox.

* * *

 **WHAT'S THE ONE-SHOT TODAY, MUTHER?**

 **ALIEN/PREDATOR ONE-SHOT**

 **FRANCHISE SPECIFIC: YES**

 **FRANCHISE: ALIEN FRANCHISE**

 **FILM SPECIFIC: YES**

 **FILM: ALIEN (1979)**

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 **ONE-SHOT 001: TURNING THE TABLES**

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Lambert grabbed another canister of coolant and threw it onto the floor, the loud clanging making it difficult for her and Parker to hear the approach of their visitor. When Parker turned his head to see the canisters as he was about to retrieve them, he stopped and backed away, crouching down near some space suits as he saw the alien enter the room, crouching down as Lambert continued her task unaware. " _My god,_ " Parker whispered to himself as he saw the alien put itself into a crouching position in front of the cart.

Only when Lambert fully turned her head to glance at the number of canisters on the floor did she finally notice the alien. Lambert soon turned around to face the creature as it looked up at her and slowly crab-walked towards her, before finally rising up, slowly so as to increase the woman's fear. "Get out of the way, Lambert!" Parker yelled at the scared woman.

"I-I can't!" Lambert replied fearfully, her body having gone still from fear. "Lambert, he's gonna kill us!" Parker yelled at her as he tried to find a position from which to hit the alien with the incinerator. Unfortunately, Lambert was positioned so that every possible angle, save being next to her, would result in her getting torched.

Lambert continued to whimper as the alien rose up further, soon standing at seven or so feet tall. Drool dripped from its mouth, its metallic teeth bared in a cruel smile as it slowly approached the frightened woman, who began looking over the beast. It had a very well-proportioned figure, and its fingers were long, as was its tail.

The more Lambert looked over the creature, the more her fear began to subside and change into something else, something which caused the alien to pause, ever so slightly, as it began to detect the change in pheromones emanating from Lambert. It swayed its head slightly, to make the drool drip more and increase its intimidation, but Lambert only saw the drool falling, causing her to think of something far removed from her current situation. As Lambert's pheromone signature continued changing, the alien attempted to increase its fright factor by spreading out its arms, confused by the woman's reaction to it.

Lambert was now staring at the alien's domed head, noticing how smooth it was. "Oh... my," she whispered as she felt heat rising to her cheeks and between her legs. The alien quickly stopped its approach, closing its mouth in confusion. Its prey was _not_ supposed to be reacting this way, and it stepped back slightly.

Parker was preparing to charge the alien when he saw it stop moving and step back. "What the?" he asked himself in confusion as he saw Lambert begin to feel herself up. "L-Lambert? What the... hell?" Parker whispered.

"Oh, what a... _big dome_ you have... Mister Alien," Lambert whispered lustfully. The alien took another step back from the aroused woman. This was not supposed to be happening.

Soon, Lambert moved her hands under her clothes, one hand under her shirt and the other inside her pants. The alien shook its head in confusion, not understanding how the situation had spiraled out of control so quickly. Lambert soon saw the ribbed formations underneath the dome, and became even more aroused, licking her lips.

"Lambert... what are you doing?" Parker asked, befuddled by the woman's behavior. Lambert soon began taking off her jacket, followed by her shoes. The alien took another step back, backing into the cart as it began thinking of a way to redirect the situation back into its favor.

It wanted to _terrify_ and _kill_ the humans, not... _arouse them!_ The alien glanced over at Parker, who quickly raised his weapon as the alien was now far enough away from Lambert. "I got you now," Parker whispered victoriously, before the sound of clothes hitting the floor caught both his and the alien's attention. Parker and Kane's Son both looked over at Lambert, who was now standing buck naked, pleasuring herself as she continued staring at the alien.

"L-Lambert!? What the _fuck!?_ " Parker asked incredulously. The alien's jaw literally dropped as it realized that the situation was now completely beyond its control. Lambert soon turned around and bent over, placing one hand against the wall as she looked over her shoulder at the alien, the other hand still between her legs. She wiggled her rear at the creature.

"Come on! Take me like an animal, you beast!" she shouted anxiously, a smile on her face. The alien shook its head and quickly turned around, marching out of the room. Lambert frowned, while Parker simply stared at her naked body in both amazement and confusion.

"No! Don't walk away!" Lambert pleaded as she turned around and began walking over to the alien. The alien noticed her approach only after she had grabbed its tail and placed it between her legs. The alien screeched in shock as the woman began using its tail for her pleasure, before it yanked its tail away from her.

"Take me! Make me yours!" Lambert cried out ecstatically. The alien quickly curled its tail and began running away. "Come back! Get back here and fuck me like a wild animal!" Lambert pleaded as she chased after the alien. Parker had been rendered speechless and unable to form coherent thoughts by what had just transpired in front of him.

Meanwhile, having heard only the early dialogue between Parker and Lambert through the intercom, Ripley was running through the hallways in an attempt to rescue her comrades. After turning a corner, Ripley found herself being knocked over by the alien as it ran through the ship. As Ripley pushed herself up, still holding her incinerator to go after the beast, she found herself being knocked over again, this time by a naked and horny Joan Lambert.

"Lambert!?" Ripley asked in confusion as the blonde woman pushed herself up and took off after the alien, giving Ripley a clear view between her legs as she resumed her chase after the alien. "Come back here!" Lambert called out as she ran after the abomination. Ripley soon felt a wet spot on the back of her uniform.

Ripley was confused at first, until she remembered how she had been knocked over the second time. A naked Lambert was chasing the alien, crying out for it to... do things with her. " _Seriously!?_ " Ripley asked in disbelief as she realized what, or rather _who_ , had created the wet spot. _Lambert's lost her goddamn mind_ , Ripley thought to herself. She soon began running after Lambert in an attempt to stop her from getting herself killed.

Meanwhile, the alien had managed to reach the entrance to the Narcissus. It quickly closed the airlock doors behind itself and prepped the shuttle for launch. It could soon hear faint pounding on the outer airlock doors behind it.

" _Come back to meeeee!_ " Lambert pleaded through the doors. The alien then saw the other human female run up behind the crazy naked one and pull her away from the airlock doors as she closed the interior ones. The other female had now temporarily subdued the first one, but there was no point in trying to resume its stalking and killing of the humans now. Besides, the two it had already killed and captured would eventually form an egg and then a host for the resulting facehugger within a day or so. Another Xenomorph would be able to take its place soon enough.

With that in mind, Kane's Son quickly finished its preparations and launched the shuttle, leaving the Nostromo behind before letting out a small breath of relief. It was finally safe from the sexual predator that had violated its tail. Finding supplies to clean its tail, the alien soon began setting the shuttle's trajectory, using its flight data that had been shared with the rest of the Nostromo's computer system, for LV-426, where it could either collect more of its kind or simply go to sleep until another group of dumb sons of bitches intercepted the derelict ship's transmission and decided to investigate it.

Meanwhile, back inside the Nostromo, Parker had finally begun to form coherent thoughts in his head again. He looked around the room as Ripley dragged a tied up Lambert alongside her, calling out Parker's name as she tried to ascertain his condition. Still not quite knowing how to comprehend what had transpired in the past few minutes, Parker quickly decided to ask himself a simple yet vital question.

"What the hell just happened?"

FIN

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Author's Notes: And that was the first ALIEN One-Shot. I hope everyone enjoyed it, because there are more to come. For those of you who have noticed the variations of Rule 34 present in various ALIEN fan fiction, this story is a parody of that type of... slash, so to speak. This isn't a slash-fic story, and this doesn't have an actual couple or pairing in it. As I just said, this one-shot is a _parody_ of those types of stories. It's also an alternate ending where Parker and Lambert survive, but that's kind of beside the point.

Anyway, be sure to let me know what you think in your reviews.


	2. A-002: Translation Deviation

**ALIEN ONE-SHOTS**

Disclaimer: The ALIEN franchise and all related characters wherein are the intellectual property of 20th Century Fox.

* * *

 **WHAT'S THE ONE-SHOT TODAY, MUTHER?**

 **ALIEN/PREDATOR ONE-SHOT**

 **FRANCHISE SPECIFIC: YES**

 **FRANCHISE: ALIEN FRANCHISE**

 **FILM SPECIFIC: YES**

 **FILM(S): ALIENS (1986)**

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 **ONE-SHOT 002: TRANSLATION DEVIATION**

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 **ALIENS - A2-001**

Ellen Ripley opened her eyes groggily. She looked around the room she was in. It was a medical room, and a young woman in a nurse's outfit was busy examining her vital signs. "How are we today?" the nurse asked as she flipped some buttons above Ripley's bed. "Better than yesterday, at least," she answered for herself as she marked down some items on a checklist in her hands.

Ripley was still confused. The Narcissus had never been this spacious. "Where am I? I don't recognize this place," Ripley asked tiredly as she looked around. "You're safe. You're in Gateway Station," the nurse replied.

The nurse then looked over at the door and saw someone standing behind it. "Looks like you've got a visitor," the nurse said before the door slid open and a man holding a cat walked in. The man was dressed in a business suit, and he was constantly sneezing from holding Jonesy. "Hi-achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!" he repeated over and over again before handing the cat over to Ripley.

He then fell over onto the floor and stayed there for several minutes. "Jones," Ripley said warmly as she held the cat in her arms. The nurse was busy checking the man on the floor, before holding something to his nose and waking him back up. "Huh? Wha?" he asked, dazed and confused before he regained his bearings.

He quickly stood up, grabbed a chair, and pulled it over to Ripley's bed. The man looked at the cat nervously before glancing at Ripley. "I see that you two have met," he said. Ripley looked at him curiously. "I'm Burke. Carter Burke. I'm really an okay guy, but don't let that fool you; I work for the company," he said with an unsettling smile. Ripley looked at him contemplatively and then threw Jones at him, triggering the man's allergic reaction again.

* * *

 **ALIENS - A2-002**

The pictures of Parker, Lambert, Brett, Ash, Dallas, and Kane moved on the screen as the projector went along its slideshow. Ellen Ripley watched as each picture, accompanied by dossier information culled from various company reports on each individual, slid across the screen before eventually being replayed as the slideshow repeated itself. "I don't understand this," Ripley said in annoyance as she turned around to look at the inquiry committee that was spread around the table in the board room.

"We have been here for three and a half hours. How many different ways do you want me to tell the same story?" Ripley asked the group of sharply dressed men and women sitting around the table. One of them, an older woman with dark brown hair in a bowl cut, squinted her eyes at Ripley in response. "Forty two," she said, referencing the ultimate answer to all questions about life, the universe, and everything.

Ripley silently recounted the number of times she had already told the board her story. She then proceded to recount it twelve more times. "Are you happy?" Ripley asked the woman.

"Yes," the woman said with a satisfied smile.

"And you still don't believe me, do you?" Ripley asked the rest of the board. "Try to look at it from _our perspective_ , please," Van Leuwen implored her. " _Please?_ " Ripley shrugged her shoulder and sat down in a chair at the head of the table. "Now, you freely admit to detonating the engines of, and thereby destroying, an M-Class star frieghter," Van Leuwen said. "A rather inexpensive piece of equipment, I might add," he added.

"Four hundred and ten dollars in Monopoly(TM) money," an accountant said seriously.

"The lifeboat's flight recorder corroborates _most_ elements of your story. Such as, for reasons unknown, you and six other people were part of the Nostromo's crew. As well, after picking up a signal of unknown origin, the Nostromo set down on LV-four-two-six, an unsurveyed world at that time. The Nostromo subsequently took off and was set for self-destruct _by you_ during a drunken orgy! And, after learning that one of your crew was an android, he, or rather _it_ , was then brutally torn to pieces _by you_ and two other crew members before being set on fire!" Van Leuwen continued.

"No, it was _not_ for reasons unknown," Ripley retorted. "We went down there on company orders to get this thing, which destroyed my crew... and your cheap ship," she added. "The analysis team which went over the lifeboat _centimeter by centimeter_ found _some_ physical evidence of the creature you described," Van Leuwen said.

"No! I blew it out of the goddamn airlock! There shouldn't have been _anything_ left!" Ripley wailed in dismay. "Ripley, this is evidence of your story being true," Burke said, his face covered in bandages from the last time he had interacted with Jones The Cat. "Shut up, Burke! You tried to have Jones neutered... with a coffee pot!" Ripley snapped at the man.

"Are there any species like this hostile organism on LV-Four-Twenty-Six?" a board member asked the bowl-cut woman sitting next to him. "No. It's a rock. No indigenous life," the woman said. Ripley turned around and looked at her in shock.

"Did IQ's just _drop sharply_ while I was away? Ma'am already said it was not indigenous. It was a derelict spacecraft. It was an alien ship. It was _not_ from there. Do you get it? We homed in on _its_ beacon," Ripley said.

"And found something never recorded _twice_ on over three-hundred surveyed worlds," the bowl-cut haired woman responded skeptically as she reached forward and retrieved some notes. "A creature that... _gestates_ inside a dead human host. These are your words; and has concentrated blood for acid," she added as she shot a glance at Ripley.

"That's right," Ripley said, nodding her head.

"Look, I know where this is going," Ripley said. "But I'm telling you: those things exist," she said as she looked Van Leuwen in the eyes. "Thank you, that will be all," Van Leuwen said. "Listen to me. Kane, who went into that ship. _Kane_ , who was infected, said he saw thousands of eggs there. _Thousands_ ," Ripley said firmly. "Thank you, _that_ 's not _all_ ," Van Leuwen said firmly.

"Goddamn it, that _will be_ all!" Ripley shouted as she stood up. "It's everything I've told you! All of it!" Ripley shouted. "Hmm... no it isn't," Van Leuwen said. "You didn't mentioned Ash being a droid the final time around. I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to call you a liar. Also, we're gonna have to question the other survivor," Van Leuwen said.

"J-Jones? You're gonna... you can't question him! He's too fragile!" Ripley pleaded. "Oh, please! He's a _cat!_ He'll be fine," Van Leuwen said dismissively. Ripley began sobbing into her hands as she thought about how Jones would be forced to relive the trauma of 57 years earlier.

 **MUCH LATER...**

"Now, is there anything else that you would like to add to your final statement?" Van Leuwen asked the small calico cat sitting on the chair in front of the board table. Jones simply licked his paws in a bored fashion before looking up at the group. "Meow," he meowed simply, before resuming his grooming.

"Thank you, Mr. Jones. That will be all," Van Leuwen said firmly. "This debriefing is over. Everyone is dismissed," he added as Ripley walked over and scooped up Jones into her arms, hugging him tightly.

FIN

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Author's Notes: And that was the second set of ALIEN & PREDATOR One Shots. Be sure to let me know what you think in your reviews.


	3. A-003: Get A Hold Of Yourself, Lambert!

**ALIEN ONE-SHOTS**

Disclaimer: The ALIEN franchise and all related characters wherein are the intellectual property of 20th Century Fox.

* * *

 **WHAT'S THE ONE-SHOT TODAY, MUTHER?**

 **ALIEN/PREDATOR ONE-SHOT**

 **FRANCHISE SPECIFIC: YES**

 **FRANCHISE: ALIEN**

 **FILM SPECIFIC: MOSTLY FILM SPECIFIC... MOSTLY**

 **FILM(S): ALIEN (1979), ALIENS (1986), AIRPLANE! (1980)... WAIT A MINUTE...**

 **PARODY:** _ **DEFINITELY**_

* * *

 **ONE-SHOT 003: GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, LAMBERT!**

* * *

Inside the dining area of the USCSS Nostromo, the remaining four crew members mulled over their options. It was Ripley who finally broke the silence that had hung over the room like a suffocating blanket. "Unless someone has a better idea, we'll proceed with Captain Dallas's plan," Ripley said.

" _What!?_ " Lambert asked her incredulously, her eyes wide and close to tears. "And end up like the others!? Oh no! You're out of your mind!" Lambert sobbed. Ripley looked at Lambert sternly. "Do you have a better idea?" Ripley asked the hysterical woman.

"Yes! I say we abandon this ship! We grab the shuttle and just get the hell out of here! We'll take our chances and just... just _hope_ that somebody picks us up!" Lambert sobbed. "Lambert don't fall apart on us," Ripley said. Just then, Lambert's left arm fell off and plopped onto the floor.

Ash walked over and picked it up before putting it back in place. "There you go," Ash said cordially with a nod of his head. "Thanks," Lambert said with a sniffle. "Lambert, the shuttle won't take four," Ripley said.

"Then we'll draw straws!" Lambert retorted. "I ain't drawin' any straws. I'm for killing that goddamn thing right now," Parker spat. "But we've gotta get out of here! We've gotta get out of here!" Lambert began repeating hysterically.

"Lambert," Ripley said.

"We gotta get out of here!"

" _Lambert_ ," Ripley said again, to no avail.

"We gotta get out of here! We gotta get out of here!"

" _ **Lambert**_ _,_ " Ripley said with more force this time. Again, Lambert did not hear her. Parker soon shook his head and walked over to the hysterical woman, putting his hands on her shoulders. "Lambert, get a hold of yourself!" Parker snapped at her.

Ripley then walked over and pushed Parker out of the way. "Here let me have a shot," Ripley said before slapping Lambert. "Lambert, get a hold of yourself! It's gonna be okay!" Ripley snapped at the hysterical woman.

Ash then walked over and pushed Ripley out of the way. He then grabbed Lambert by the shoulders and began shaking her. "It's gonna be okay! Get a hold of yourself, it's gonna be okay!" Ash told Lambert before striking her twice.

"Hey, let me try," Corporal Hicks said as he pushed Ash to the side and began shaking Lambert while slapping her three times. "Get a hold of yourself, dammit! It's gonna be okay!" Hicks yelled at her. Private Hudson came up behind him and urged him to move, just before he slapped Lambert one more time.

"Hey, come on, babe!" Hudson said as he shook Lambert by her shoulders. "It's gonna be okay! It ain't game over yet!" Hudson said before Private Vasquez pushed him to the side and grabbed Lambert by the shoulders. "Get a hold of yourself! It's gonna be okay!" Vasquez snapped before she slapped Lambert five times in a row.

Vasquez was then gently pushed to the side by Bishop, who grabbed Lambert by the shoulders gently. "Please, be calm. Please, get a hold of yourself, Miss Lambert. It's gonna be okay," Bishop said as he raised his hand, only to find that his programming wouldn't allow him to slap Lambert. He was then shoved to the side by David.

David grabbed Lambert by the shoulders and shook her violently. "Get a hold of yourself! It's gonna be okay!" David said before slapping Lambert ten times in a row. He was then pushed aside by Walter, who had only one hand. "Please, remain calm, Miss Lambert. Things will be-" "Move aside," Call said as she pushed Walter away.

Call then grabbed Lambert by her shoulders and shook her violently. "Get a hold of yourself, you whiny fucking bitch! Things are gonna be okay!" the gynoid snapped at Lambert.

Lambert was still hysterical as a line of figures each took their turn trying to get her under control, including Lieutenant Gorman, Kane's Son, R.J. MacReady, Private Drake, Sergeant Apone, Sergeant Johnson, Master Chief Petty Officer John 117, The Arbiter, Dutch Schaefer, John Spartan, Simon Phoenix, Casey Ryback, Rebecca "Newt" Jordan, Snake Plissken, James Earl Jones, The T-1000, Gary Busey, John McClane, The Kool-aid Mascot, a nun, a doctor, a priest, a rabbi, Don Knotts, Mike Piazza, Daniels, Tennessee, the ghost of Graham Chapman, and even The Dragon (the dog/ox alien) from Fiorina 161.

 **FIN**

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Author's Notes: I love AIRPLANE! (1980). I really do. So I combined it with ALIEN (1979). I hope that everyone enjoyed reading this little one shot.

Don't be afraid to let me know what you think in your reviews. It'll be okay!


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